Envy

Today my mother helped realise I'm feeling envy. I'm feeling envy towards my friend who has a bigger house than me. Who also has a brother. Plus I feel spirituas envy becaase he confesses his sins, has them forgiven and recives the body of Christ.


What a sinner I am. Envying the most materials things, family and the most spiritula of them all, Christ, himself.

According with the catholic tradition the solution to my envy is one : Charity. So in a rage I took out my old computer ( the lap is broken again) and I gave my mother 500 pesos it's not a lot, but its something.

Some times I think that "from love to hate there is a single step", and as my dear fiend Luyc, I ask myself , why did God put him near to me? Once she was stubbotn , and I told her that it was because God wanted her to convert him.


But I've never ask God why is he in my live? Right now it's a good moment. God why is he in my life? Why do you allow me to feel all this things? Why would you allow to feel and wisht this things? Why do you allow me to be unaffar and eny whe I should be thanking for the great things you give me?

I do agree with the catholic cathecisim, however one thing is agreeing an another what the body feels. At least I know what's good and not good. So if I deliverately choose what's wrong , I'm the one to blame.

I wonder why God allos things? and why I person wants to fall in love eventhoug it's wrong . Or meaby the person wants to feel something, The person being me. I want to feel in love. I want to feel taken care of I feel in need of love and attention. Practically, that the thing , I have love from my parents.


Living like Brent or like Miguel Tamayo. Who do I see happier?

What do I need to be happy?

Money? Love? Success? Making my dreams true? Working without stopping?

Cartoons? Videogames? Friends?

Waht do I need to be happy? My friends things? or my things? I envy his house, good, I want him to take of me good. All are fair feelings. Sinfull, ye. But human. Nothing more am I and nothing else I can feel. This are my feelings, this are my sins, they're mine, if God allows me to have both it's becasue he would rather prefer a living human than a suicide coward.

better lo have a platonic love than to comit dishonest actions, isn't it your idea God.

I seriously hope you understand. I know you do, still I hope you help me , to understand.

BYE BYE